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When you’ve been the “victim” of a divorce, the first thing youMUST UNDERSTAND and BEGIN BELIEVING is that YOU ARE NOT GOING TODIE BECAUSE OF IT- Regardless of how badly you feel, you mustrealize that it has happened to millions of people before you;it is happening to countless people every day; and it willcontinue to happen to millions of people so long as there islove, marriage and divorce.

Although you may never have felt such pain in your life before,YOU WILL GET OVER IT. It takes time, but you will recover andfind love again. It’s imperative that you understand this, andbelieve it, even if you have to write it in big letters on yourbedroom mirror, type it out on a 3 x 5 card you carry with youin your wallet, or say it aloud to yourself every hour on thehour.

You must at the same time, understand that people suffering fromdivorce go through certain predictable phases of thinking andacting as they begin to recover. In order to cope with theinsecurity, uncertainty, and emotional damage you’ve suffered,you should understand that it’s only natural that you go througheach of these phases, and that as a result, you will again be ahappy person.

Perhaps the second hardest thing the person who has been”victimized” in a divorce has to do is let go. It’s vitallyimportant that you immediately let go of the other person;realize that the marriage is over, and begin setting your ownlife in order.

Of course all of this is much easier said or written than done,but these things you must do, and you must do them - or getstarted on them - immediately. You’ve got to think aboutyourself - finding some sort of work with which to supportyourself, and maybe your kids; writing out a plan for themanagement of your money; figuring out your transportationneeds; and what you’re going to do to fill your spare time.

You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away! You’ve gotto take hold of yourself and go on living! You can do it, andyou must! The best way is to busy yourself with all the planningyou’ve got to do, and all the things you’ve got to do to makethose plans pan out. Sit down with paper and pencil immediately,look at your situation as it really exists, and lay out a “roadmap” of things that you’re going to have to do in order tosurvive.

In the meantime, the pain will still be there but you’ve got tokeep forcing yourself not to think about it or dwell upon whatwas yesterday. The more you think about the past - what wentwrong and why it happened to you - the worse it’s going to hurt,and the longer it’ll take for you to recover.

What has happened to you can be likened to a cut on your hand:It hurts, and you bleed, but you wash it off, perhaps apply somemedication, then a bandage and allow time as well as the healingprocesses of the human system to make it all well again. So itis with the dissolution of a marriage, but the bottom line isstill: You must cure yourself of the hurt before you can behappy again.

You’re going to feel lonely, lost and deserted. You’re going togrieve. You are going to mourn the loss of your loved one.You’re going to deny that it’s over, and think of it as a baddream. You may fall into a state of deep depression and pretendthat it’s only a game that will soon end.

In order to counter these feelings, you must try to keepyourself busy - cleaning the house, washing your car, writingout a budget, studying and/or working - you must force yourselfto “keep moving and working” on the kinds of things that makeyou self-sufficient as well as a person that can hold his or herhead up in any crowd or situation.

You’re going to become so angry that you’ll want to do things”just to spite” your lost loved one. Women in particular, have adifficult time coping with the anger phase. They become bitterbecause of the rejection they feel, the abandonment, and whatthey consider the lack of honesty on the part of their formerhusbands. It manifests itself as a result of final propertysettlements and child support agreements. They sometimeswithhold visitation rights with the children in order to punishor get their point across.

You must understand that anger is the process of projecting ontoanother person, your own sense of hurt and frustration. Anger isa natural feeling in a stressful situation. Regardless of howit’s done, you must express the feelings of anger you’recarrying or they’ll “eat you alive!” The important thing is tounderstand that it’s a natural feeling as a result of a divorce,and that you have to let these feelings out - get rid of them -before you can truly go on to become a happy person. The bestway to deal with anger is to know precisely what you’re angryabout - write it down on paper - and then pick the mostappropriate method as well as time, to express your anger to theperson that has made you angry.

Another phase you’ll be going through is one of all-consumingguilt feelings. If I hadn’t of, or if I had done this or thatdifferently, or if only I had been a little more understanding.The more you dwell upon this kind of thinking, the deeper you’llfall into the trap of self-martyrdom which allows you to thinkof yourself as a loser, a failure, and not deserving ofhappiness.

You must drive those feelings of guilt from your mind as quicklyas they appear! Simply tell yourself that it didn’t work out;it’s over, and you’ve got to things to do in order to survive.Understand and believe that you will recover; then plan whatyou’re going to do, and start moving in that direction.

Still another phase you’ll experience, is one of reconciliation.This is when the victim calls the lost loved one on the phone orwrites letters, expressing undying love - acceptance of all theblame for the divorce - and promising to change to fit the needsand demands of the other person. This is when the victimdisregards all his or her own needs and reaches out for theother person without pride.

Remember this: If your lost loved one does not want you, thenyou must cease to worry about him or her. You must take hold ofyourself - your own ambitions for happiness and the kind of loveyou want - and first plan how you can attain these things, andthen set about towards the eventual achievement of these goals.

You must forget about your ex-husband or ex-wife just as quicklyas you possibly can! You must immediately see yourself assomeone who’s self-supporting and the only person on the face ofthis earth with the final say about how happy you can be.Difficult, yes - but the sooner you realize this and take chargeof your own life, the sooner “what once was” will be forgottenand You’ll find happiness again.

No one should throw themselves at the mercy of someone whodoesn’t want them. Each and every human being in this world isruled by personal pride in himself. To “give up” one’s pride isto give up one’s life. Compromises and promises to make changes- followed by sincere efforts to do so   are necessary to theability of “couples” to get along with each other. But todisregard one’s personal pride, is to become a non-entity.

The final phase you’ll be going through will be one ofacceptance. This is when you are no longer bothered by thoughtsof your lost loved one all day long; when you’re able to talkabout him or her without a tug at your heart, and when you’veaccepted the fact that your marriage is really over: This iswhen you say to yourself that if he or she doesn’t want me, thanI don’t want him or her. This is when you’ve got a handle onwhat you have to do in order to rebuild your life and get onwith it, and you’re doing just that!

As human beings, all of us have a brain. Because each of us hasa brain, we all have feelings that manifest themselvesemotionally in one form or another. No one is perfect, and thus,though we usually try with everything we’ve got to handle ourproblems with expertise, we usually fall down at least once ortwice along the way. It’s important to understand one’s self asa human being, and to try to get a handle on our ambitions fortrue happiness - but if we should fall down along the way, wehave to pick ourselves up and try again. This is likened to ababy learning to walk - he may take a small step or two, andthen fall down, but unless he picks himself up and tries again,he’ll never learn to walk.

Don’t be afraid of being alone! Think about your own ambitions,and the kind of happiness you’d like to enjoy. Remember thatloneliness, boredom and unhappiness are indeed, self-induced -determine that you want to be happy and then reach for it withall you’ve got!!!