Divorce and Rebuild Your Life
Suddenly you’re single after years of marriage. This alwaysresults in a serious blow to the old ego of at least one of thepersons involved. It’s a traumatic experience - a time that’svery difficult to live through - and a feeling that isn’t easyto recover from - yet life does and must go on.
When divorce occurs, and you feel as though your life has beenshattered, the first thing you should do is start leading thelife of a single person immediately! You should force yourselfto make a date at least once a week. Start noticing otherpeople, join in the activities of the singles crowd, and getback into the swing of things.
Indeed, the sooner you start dating, even if it’s only dinnerwith someone you work with, sooner the pain will subside.Basically, you should just out and not concern yourself with the”yes or no” possibilities of a sexual encounter.
It’s most important however that you don’t expect too much ofyourself too soon. Generallyy it takes about two years for thevictim of a divorce to get over the hurt and for most of thescars to heal. Anyone thinking or believing they’re ready forany kind of permanent relationship in less time, is probablyliving in a world of make believe and heading for a repeat ofpast mistakes.
Numerous “brief” sexual encounters are the usual pattern ofrecently divorced persons. The are usually quite useful inrebuilding one’s self-esteem. By the same token, extendedperiods of celibacy usually follow a couple of weeks or a monthof feverish sexual activity. These times are also normal anduseful in the overall healing process.
Often-times older persons suddenly find that achievement makesthem attractive to the opposite sex. Prestige and age areattractive, but in divorced persons, they are very often anaphrodisiac. The bottom line is simply that younger people oftenhave “affairs” with those older than themselves, but usually,they want “permanent partners” closer to their own age. Inotherwords, prestige and age will get you sex, but it will veryseldom bring you love.
As a newly divorced person, you’ll probably experience several”transitional relationships.” These are also a necessary part ofyour healing process, and though you may think you care a greatdeal about them at the time, it’s best that you remember theseare only temporary encounters with transitional partners. Youneedn’t feel guilty about breaking off one of theserelationships because you may very well be someone’stransitional partner later on in your life.
Your best opportunities for meeting new friends and possiblemarriage partners are within the normal course of business andsocial events. It’s also generally within your best interests tojoin in the activities of a local Singles Organization such asParents Without Partners or Singles International. Then too, youshould ask your friends and co-workers to introduce you topeople they know that you might enjoy.
With your dates, you should avoid talking about your ex-spouse.If you feel you have to talk about your divorce, pick a specialfriend or attend some of the organized “rap sessions” fordivorced persons in your area.
You should also avoid introducing your dates or new friends tooquickly to your children. Such introductions too quickly canhave innumerable adverse effects on everyone concerned.
You’l1 find that sexual freedom and less formal lifestyles havedefinitely changed the etiquette of dating over the last fewdecades. As an example, a man should not be surprised if afterasking a woman out a few times, she asks him out. And a womanshould not be hesitant to ask a man out for a backyard barbequeor even to a movie she’d like to see. Men should also realizethat women make up their minds about sex more quickly these daysthan in years past. A woman of today generally isn’t thought ofas being a loose woman if she decides to sleep with a man on thefirst date.
Much of the romance and magic of the traditional courtship gamestill works. Soft music, candlelight, and good food are stillvery much in vogue. Even the grand gesture of an evening on thetown in style or a spur of the moment trip to the beach or to ahideaway in the mountains.
Regardless of the pain, the bitterness, or exasperation, it’sessential that you remember your children and continue to be agood parent. In fact, you should do all within your means to bea better parent than you may have been before the separation.This is because regardless of how they seem to be taking it, orwhat they do or don’t show, divorce is more often than notharder on the children than on the parents. They usually becomemuch more curious about your day-to-day routine, who you’reseeing and your happiness.
Just remember, time and people will cure all your ills, and youwill be happy again!
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